practical magic

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man. Only that moon

.almost.doesn't.count.

I sit here for hours playing the thought of you over and over inside my head,
I write this in tears because I don't know what I did or said,
The thought of you breaks my heart because the clarification isn't there,
Searching for answers within myself seems to get me nowhere,
I try to change my thought process and kinda erase you out of my mind,
They say the pain will subside but the tears constantly fill my eyes,
Falling for someone who doesn't love me seems to be the story of my life,
almost made you love me but the truth of the situation became to surface in time,
I think of all the time I knew you and all the times you made me laugh,
It cures the puncture momentarily then I wish for it back,
You can't make someone love you and you can't make them stay either, I'd hold my breath and ask for an explanation but I'd be sitting here forever,
I never asked to much of you and I thought you were falling to,
I never would have guessed your intentions were untrue,
I long for the morning I wake up and merely remember you existed,
But the thought of you won't go away, so now ill take the pain of the knife through my heart as your silence slowly twists it.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

.sweet.seduction.

I turn the lights down low then I walk toward you sprawled out on our bed,
Lying down beside you I kiss your lips and place one hand on your chest, the other on your head.
One of your hands is gently pushing my chin towards our kiss; the other slightly grips my hip,
The passion intensifies as pull me in close and our hands start to wonder,
You roll over top of me and kiss my collarbone you know what’s going to happen after,
I pull my arms around your neck and wrap my legs around your waist,
You get close to my ear and whisper that you "just wanna taste,
Clothes start coming off and our breathing is beginning to heavy,
I feel your lips kiss my chest down my belly then to a place only you see,
One thing leads to another and I "take you in my mouth" just the same,
Feeling you penetrate soon after makes my lips quiver out your name,
We begin making love and climax awhile after our passion peaks simultaneously,
I lay beside you open my eyes when the passion subsides go to kiss your lips and realize it was just a dream.

flashy.words.by.SHIHAN.the.best.poet.EVER

flashy words make the world turn but it don’t turn right..
say what?
flashy words make the world turn but it don’t turn right..
say what?!
so i use these real eyes to realize the real lies being spoken but not heard
'cause we are more fascinated by that which are fabricated..
say what?!
the iconoclastic tactless tactician aims tongues spits truth words like
wrecking balls bounce off brains 'cause nobody likes to hear what's going on these days,
its like, the truth hurts, and we've been lied to;
a bunch of hollowed minds living on borrowed times,
and nobody likes to hear that and nobody likes to say it either 'cause
lazy angels never carry their wings,
and wingless words do nothing but keep us down,
so this New York poet yells
there is no satisfaction in knowing that your life is one of the saddest fictions ever written.
so take your not so satisfactory life
back to the sadness factory to
be reworked in to, be re written in to, be reconfigured to live right.
open your brain, let your heart go;
the real you's been locked within your rib cage for too long,
and stop trying to hold on to then 'cause that's why it all started.
and at about that same time
he forgot fun, she lost hope, and now we can't find anything.
and i swear to god if i could swear to god,
i’d ask her what the fuck was she thinking when she gave us free will
'cause we done fucked things up
'cause kids don’t play and god don’t pray
'cause its out of her hands now.
see, i've re written the bible after getting over the primal rage
of finding my name disguised within the bible's page,
and people trying to dissect my destiny will find that
words somehow make the world turn but it really doesn’t turn right.
and suddenly the world stops spinning 'cause words weren’t good enough.
so i'll tell you, a blind man once told me the true meaning
of love at 1st sight,
so i closed my eyes and recited this poem
to an audience of 1 and found total gratification and my undivided attention
and when i opened my eyes, i found myself standing before a mirror,
staring into the eyes of an invisible man until my pupils,
became pupils and i can teach myself to live a better life.
words...words.
from a piece of mind, brings peace of mind, all i gotta do is give a piece of mind?
only the words piece together the pieces in me
to create a peace within me.
but shit, they are all pieces.
pieces to a puzzle when which put together is me.
so let me tell you something:
don’t ever do anything you’re not supposed to
and only speak when spoken to
and don’t speak unless you mean.
'cause a good man is hard to find
and a hard man is good to find
and i’m half the man i used to be
and 1/4 the person i should be or could be 'cause
i sacrificed freedom for stardom
after being fucked out of my freedom without a condom
now how dumb was i?
words.
break these words down to the syllables they are
or the silly bulls they represent
and what do i represent?
well its hard to say when my rep resents the fact
that i have to question myself
or each time that question re-presents itself
i can, therefore i am.
and sticks and stone may break your bones
but words will always teach you.

I'm so DAMN tired of hearing that men want a "real woman" but the most natural beauty is overlooked and surpassed what you WANT is a girl covered in makeup with naval rings and lesbian tendencies. A woman that wears a pushup bra to compensate for what she doesn't have, high heels to make her taller and tight clothes that just happen to show her best ASSets, because that's whats SEXy but Id rather be beautiful and rock my Nike's with my comfy jeans and a tank top. No make up or "pushups" to show off what I have to offer because I guarantee you the way i look when you first see me is the way I look all the time.. Beautiful to myself and comfortable in my own skin. Without needing the reassurance of "beauty" that fades when I wash my face. No running mascara or popping red lipstick. My skins naturally soft, cheeks are always pink because of the smile my face holds and eyes that don't need makeup to make them noticeable. the definition of a real woman. my legs aren't toned because I walk in heels and lift weights at the gym. they are toned because i chase a 5 year old around a park and play fetch with my dogs. my breasts aren't big because there fake there big because I've carried and nurtured a child. i spend all day chasing children. soothing minds of my niece's and nephews, camping outback of the house in tents and paddle boating with them. fishing and hiking 6 miles. carrying the weight of the world but being light enough on my feet to know "that this to shall pass". waking up to screaming kids going to work and coming home and doing what i have to do. reading bedtimes stories and cooking full course meals. so before you claim you want a "real woman" understand what REAL means. because anything or anyone else that doesn't have REAL traits are as fake as the eyeshadow she put on to disguise the way she feels about herself..

wish.right.now

*....can*we*pretend*that*airplanes*in*the*night*sky*are*like*shooting*stars*i*could*really*use*a wish*right*now*wish*right*now*wish*right*now....*

i read once that "the truth is hard to swallow, when you're choking on your pride.." i don't remember who said that but i just remember that... it's true...


i've got a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes, because its really getting hard getting out the goodbye.. its hard leaving people behind, that have touched your soul in some way, the crazy thing is i know him but never met him.. i probably sound insane.. but whatever this effect is that he has on me, its just a little to intense. because i should be strong in my own way and he shouldn't affect me like this. how do you change it though, how do you shake it off.. they say we aren't meant to chose what we feel for someone, when we close our eyes.. thats why our winged baby cupid shoots arrows with closed eyes... not knowing where his arrow goes.. or whom it may hit.. he pulls back on that bow and *pow* that is it.. dazed and confused we walk around until we find someone who lights the spark within us.. a moment can change our life and one person can set our souls to bliss.. no matter the situation or the circumstances, we cannot control it. just have to forget our head and follow our heart, you chose not whom you get. cupid, stupid cupid, leave your arrows in there sack, because now I'm wishing for a wish to have the power you have so i can shoot the person you made me care for, back.

.quote.of.the.day.

"Joseph Conrad once wrote: 'Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word.. but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, that wears a mask, the most miserable outcast hugs some memory.. or some illusion.'

.quote.of.the.day.

"These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die... like fire and powder which as they kiss, consume....."

..............

has someone ever walked into your life and you felt an instant connection? 3 hour phone calls, connections through the day, smiles of just the thought of them? who the first person you think about when you wake up? has in an instant that suddenly changed? have you ever looked at a picture of someone and saw so much more then they are actually "showing"? i mean beauty is waaaay more then sking deep. have you ever wondered if the person you are thinking about is thinking about you? how many times do you think about that person through the day? to many to count? yeah, i get it. the feeling is overwhelming and surreal. but what does it mean? are you scared youre going to be let down? scared to drop that guard you keep up, afraid the other person might not accept everything you have to offer? have your insecurities ever pushed someone away so far that you cant pull them back? how do you approach a situation as such and not be scared? i truely dont know, but im willing to find out.

.quote.of.the.day.

"Nathanial Hawthorne once wrote: No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself -- and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

.american.honey.

She grew up on a side of the road
Where the church bells ring and strong love grows
She grew up good
She grew up slow
Like American honey

Steady as a preacher
Free as a weed
Couldn't wait to get goin'
But wasn't quite ready to leave
So innocent, pure and sweet
American honey

There's a wild, wild whisper
Blowin' in the wind
Callin' out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by
Oh nothing's sweeter than summertime
And American honey

Get caught in the race
Of this crazy life
Tryin' to be everything can make you lose your mind
I just wanna go back in time
To American honey, yea

There's a wild, wild whisper
Blowin' in the wind
Callin' out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by
Oh nothing's sweeter than summertime
And American honey

Gone for so long now
I gotta get back to her somehow
To American honey

Ooh There's a wild, wild whisper
Blowin' in the wind
Callin' out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by
Oh nothin's sweeter than summertime
And American honey
And American honey

.song.of.the.week.

one of my favorite artists ever is India Arie. her music holds such truth and passion. every single time i hear this song i am just taken to another place that reminds me that anyone i want in my life has to want me in theres. that beauty is way more than skin deep and that family is by far the most important thing to possess. always love! hate is to big of a burden to carry and it really does bother the hater more than the hated. so let go of all the disappointments and know that people are going to let you down and people are going to walk away but try to learn a lesson from the situation. swallow your pride and move on. also dont judge people and never get angry to quickly and live each day knowing that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. we all have battles to fight just remember that theres always someone fighting a harder battle and there is so much truth in the saying "this to shall pass".

.quote.of.the.day.

" You must love yourself before you have the
audacity to love someone else"

.quote.of.the.day.

"in a relationship you have to accept the other person for... all of what they are. and not just the parts that are easy to like... and youre stupid if you turn your back on something as important... as... love"

my.racing.thoughts

got a thousand things on my mind and its heading toward a million
letting go of my past but longing for a new begining
my nights get lonely and i long for a touch of love
not just any man but from a true man just ONE
i feel like trey songs as i begin to break out siging with the song in my head
our bed, our sheets, our pillows, get lonely, on your side of the bed
wake up every morning and the right side of the bed is always neat
wish it was a task to make through the day, knowing prior to i rolled over into his heat
placed my hand on his chest in the middle of the night sliding it down further
knowing what its about to start, and loving it... so i pull him in closer
im a true woman though, so i say these words knowing they hold true meaning
for when i say i want this man, i know i have yet to meet him
but when i do i know that i will have alot of love to share
from making love to building home, and just being present there
.... in his precence and him in mine sharing a life and a loving home
these are the things i see in my future,the reason i wrote this poem
to tell him... wherever he is, and whoever he may be,
that i wish you were here and i hope that wherever you are youre thinking of me.

.quote.of.the.day.

Love is an Investment that u must Grow into... Not an Investment that u Buy into...

.betty.wright. .no.pain.no.gain.

my anthem... everyday. no pain..... no gain...

.the.best.movie.EVER.

this movie man this movie. nothing, no film could ever amount to THIS MOVIE!

.roxette.

.quote.of.the.day.

♪"Octavio Paz once wrote; Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone

.i.am.ready.for.love.

i am ready...... this song takes every word from my inner being that cant seem to come together and sets it to music.

.quote.of.the.day.

"What A frightening thing is the human, a mass of gages, and dials, and registers, but we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately." -- John Steinbeck

.a.a.a.

all.about.anna

im a bit complicated. i guess thats kind of like a defense mechanism because once you get to know me, you will learn im quit simple. lets talk about little things about me first. i hate seafood. i cant stand the taste the smell or the texture. the thought alone makes me gag. lol. im clumsy. i swear everything i own breaks. even if its built like the titanic. ill be the iceburg that hits it. i get random bruises and dont realize them for days. then i have no explaination to where they might have come from. i tend to procrastinate a lot, but i will always get the job done. im hard working and focused. in the last year alone i have grown so much. i have rided myself of people i thought were going to be in my life forever. a few actually. it hurt a whole lot but after sitting on a stairwell in the middle of the night at a resort in florida crying my eyes out, i came to the conclusion that the pain will subside... and it did. the scar is there yes but the lesson was taking strongly. i dont need anyone in my life who doesnt need me in theres. i have to admit on that note though. i hold on to people tightly. i want to live and know that i made a difference in atleast one persons life. so i tend to try to make you see it instead of you taking the time to see it on your own. i guess i should apologize for that a head of time. lets just jump into the more intimate stuff because well, that is the purpose for this blog. so you can know me. well the parts of me that i publish. if i get close to you i will in some ways try to push you away. just to see if you are willing enough to not let it happen. i know it sounds bad but thats how i am. no matter how i try to change it. im looooud! extremely loud, no matter what im doing. walking , talking, chillin, making love. i blame it on being italian. my excuse is "im italian, my voice carries". i yell at my son, id rather do that though because i do not want to put my hands on him. so thats how i get my point across. i am really sensitive. i fall fast and my heart is really big. im the type who will randomly kiss you all the time. rub your head while your laying on my lap. ask you if you want a massage more then youd expect. i love to touch though. its my favorite. im very affectionate. i have my insecurites i am a female and im human. i want a love that makes it hard to sleep because my reality is so much better than my dreams. i mean im not naive enough to think that love is going to be like that all the time, but id go through a lot of pain for a few moments of happiness because its worth it. im the type that will give you the shirt off my back in the middle of a snow storm. if i tell you i care for you i will prove it. sometimes i come on really strong and its because i dont want to lose you. my life isnt perfect. im not in the spot i want to be but there is nothing but future and progression for me. i refuse to go backwords. i want someone by my side that understands that we dont just go through life we "grow" through life. being the softy that i am i long for someone to grow with. someone that knows that life will be rocky but the sturdy foundation that will be set in stone wont alter. an unaltering love. to get anywhere you have to start from somewhere. i believe in love. my screwed up past will never change that. i know that someone will see the potential in me. someone will see past my flaws and accept me for the complicated. sincere. crazy. loving. jealous. life loving. mother. daughter. sister. friend. and true companion i am. someone, someday will see past my rough exterior and know that behind all of my madness im completely simple. i will never ask for diamonds or pearls or gucci bags. im not that type. just give me my man, my son, my family and friends and you will have the happiest girl in the world.


"I'm stubborn, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I'm hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

.quote.of.the.day.

"At this moment, there are 6 billion, 4 hundred, 71 million, 8 hundred, 18 thousand, 6 hundred, 71 people in the world. Some are running scared.. some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day.. others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good.. struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls -- and sometimes.. all you need is 1."

.video.and.song.of.the.week. window.seat erykah.badu

YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO.

i definitely have to give a #shoutout to @fatbellybella BKA Ms. Erykah Badu herself. this video is a.m.a.z.i.n.g. the true defintion of an artist and shes bringing back REAL music. she is part of whats missing in music. can not wait for the album release in TWO days. going to hop on itunes now and pre-order. watch the video. its worth it. =0)


group think

they play it safe...are quick to assassinate what they do not understand...they move in packs..injusting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another...they feel most comfortable in groups...less guilt to swallow...they are us...this is what we have become...afraid to respect the individual...a single person with inner circumstance can move one to change...to love herself..... TO EVOLVE

.this.quote.describes.me.

You know I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpriting the hell out of everything. Um, then theres the music people. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I dont know, somtimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since Im not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics. -Peyton, One Tree Hill

3.14.2008

Im sittin in a dark room and my thoughts are racin... again
I wish you were here and I question where youve been....
I feel like Im going crazy and noone can help me....
Then my mind flashes back and this is what I see...

The day you passed away.. I didnt grasp it at all..
I got the call my from Tae.. I remember I just wanted to fall..
Out in pain and tears.. I couldnt catch my breath and I still cant face my fears
My fears, that your gone and that this is really real, I dont believe it though as Im sittin here in tears..

I feel like I can pick up the phone and call you, though I havent tried,
Like in my heart I know your gone but in my mind I dont belive it so I tell myself I have no reason to cry
Im thinkin of you all day, everyday and I wish you were here so bad,
To watch Dai grow up, even when hes bad, it kills my inside when he asks about his dad

The dad the doesnt phone and the dad that doesnt call
Not because you dont want to be here, thats not it at all,
This little man that looks just like you, is never going to get to meet
The man who fathered him and the man who swept me off my feet..

I miss you so much Juany and I wish I could let you know,
That Im sorry for the pain we went through and that you alone helped me grow,
Into the mother that I am today and the woman Ive become,
Alls we have left are memories and your two beautiful sons..

My tears are never ending and neither is my pain,
I try to force a smile on my face day to day and maintain,
This positive attitude like you had, That made you who you were today,
That "Flawless Vic" perspective that made everything wrong,..... "OK"

You had this unspoken strength and you always stood so proud,
Even in trials and tribulations, fears, broken hearts, sickness, and doubts,
Noone could puncture that surface no matter how hard he or she tried,
You always stood with your chin and middle finger up, bound to touch the sky..

As you are now, touching the sky and watching us all from above,
The say we arent ment to keep Angles, were just supposed to feel there love,
Angles are there to protect us when the worse just cant get any worse,
Angles wrap there arms around you and protect you from the worst....

Even though I dont believe your gone and if this letter is all I get,
I just want to say I love you Juandel and noone will ever forget,
The person that you were and who your children will one day be,
With you as there father, they are bound to succeed..

Bound to fight all expectations, of those who want them to fail,
They will rise above like there father and they alone will prevail,
All the obsticals that the world sets up "In The Event Of There Demise",
Juandel and Dai'Jon will live in your memory and like there father they'll together "Touch The Sky"

.quote.of.the.day.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves -- or lose the ventures before us." -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

.invictus.

"Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeoninga of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror of the shade, and yet the menace of the years finds, shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."

this poem holds a lot of meaning to me. it describes my frame of mind. i have been caught in the rapids many of times but I refuse to be pulled under the water without a fight. no! i am not saying i dont go under though. sometimes the pull is just too strong, or from time to time maybe im just too weak, or drawn into the whirlwind of temptation. it is my choice and in my will power to swim to shore no matter how tough the current. beat and battered may be what it takes to come out of the high tides.... damaged... yes! but lessons will be tucked under my belt. take shots if you must. poke and point and speak about how you would swim in my lane but with a different technique but all that matters is how i do it. i think you should try to stay afloat though, before giving me advice on how my tendencies to fall short of my potential make obstacles that may not have came about if i swam at a different pace. for every obstacle that arises wether i put myself into it or it has just been thrown in my direction. i will overcome it and take the lesson i learned as it is. i cant be sour and i cant be salty. i can only say that i have tried the best of my abilities. so when im sipping margaritas chilling in the sand when all is said and done. im going to see you still doggy paddling in the water and shout "maybe you should have been worried about your own current as it was served then always telling me what i can do to be better in my rough rapids.”

.the.song.remembers.when.

I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul
It was like a dam had broken in my heart

After taking ev'ry detour
Gettin' lost and losin' track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After drivin' out the mem'ry
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when

We were rolling through the Rockies
We were up above the clouds
When a station out of Jackson played that song
And it seemed to fit the moment
And the moment seemed to freeze
When we turned the music up and sang along

And there was a God in Heaven
And the world made perfect sense
We were young and were in love
And we were easy to convince
We were headed straight for Eden
It was just around the bend
And though I have forgotten all about it
The song remembers when

(Bridge:)
I guess somethin' must have happened
And we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
Though I can't recall just why
The song remembers when

Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far
And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtrackin'
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

.beauty.of.the.blind.

I was on the bus this morning running late for work and frantic in quit a hurry. Dai and I sat in the very front seat and across the aisle from us I noticed a blind man that would look over an smile occasionally at dai and I. Dai kept sittin on the wall behind the driver seat ad slidin down and I kept tellin him stop and to not do it. Then he was askin questions like "mom where is everybody goin" I told him "well dai everybody here has a place to go some are goin to school some to work and some are just goin other places." after tellin him he better get down or that cop he just pointed out is goin to be mad at him for not sittin on his butt. The blind man looks over to me and says "you know you and your son remind me of something I wrote as a child. Instead of doin chores my grandma would have me write and I wrote to her. "we need to plant seeds in our children's heads that are positive and that can blossom. A childs mind is fertal and it doesn't have weed killer. Just as the positive things we teach our children blossom so do the negative things. That's why we keep our children around positive people so there minds blossom that way." I smiled and told him thank you for sharing that with me and I told him that it was sweet. He then again looked over at me and said "its good to see the innocence of a child. Though I really can't see him" I have no idea why that story made me think but that man was truely amazing to me and his words spoke a lot of truth. So now I'm actually really calm and a lot less stressed and I thought I'd share. So let's keep planting these positive seeds in our children because as it was said before "we are all meant to shine as children do"

May 17th 2009

worth.more.then.gold

"Worth more then GOLD"

Leaping into to this pit....That forever screamed my name....It was a gorgeous and shining bright....It would put the stars to shame....A baritone all in my ear thats whispering sweet escapes....After of years of searching and yearning....My gold is finally here for the taking....Bandaged fingers from digging and thorns....That always punctured the skin....I didnt know I was cut so deep until I realized I let them in....Opening my heart to push this gold deep. Hold it there forever and cherish its sweeet....ness...I cherished this gold and I polished it so. Gave shelter and tenderness I'd never let it go....Loved it day in and day out and gave it all of me....Until I realized it longed for its past place of being....So I bottled up my love for it and pushed it to the side....Let it go with open arms not wanting to shatter my pride....I wiped away the tears as I placed it back where I found it in shade beneath the trees.... Turned from it closed my eyes and cried waiting for it to call me.... The calling never came and all the prayers had failed.... I realized that the gold I loved belonged to someone else.... I hear foot steps behind me and hide in the brush.... I see a dark beautiful figure suddenly pick it up....Embrace it with a past love and smiles "he" was finally home.... I sat under a star filled sky and felt all alone.... I hear this voice in my head that echoed from my past.... Hearing these words I rose up and put my tears to rest......"Everything thats sweet isnt good for you and everything that glitters aint gold"....At that point I realized it broke my heart but it didnt damage my soul....That I would love again and give it all my heart....I wouldnt search for gold this time but a real MAN with flaws and pain that respects art....Respects a WOMAN with a longing for love and a true down home demeanor....That knows the real prize it worth more than "GOLD" and knows when HE has found HER....

lost.little.girl

3am is closing in and i havent slept a wink
been awake sense yesterday morning to tired to fall asleep
thoughts are pacing my heart is racing and my visions gettin blured
im screaming from this pit of insecurities but have yet to be heard
the silence screams the truth so loud and i cannot drown it out
so i put my ipod on its deck and turn it up way beyond loud
for im so damn tired of being this person who wears my heart on my sleeve
but i cannot change it i refuse to try because then i wouldnt simply be... me
the one you can run to in your time of need, for a friend for a shoulder for love whatever it may be
ill give you all i have to give then give a little more
they say nice people finish last when the FUCK did i start keeping score
for in my life it never mattered who finished last or who came first
as long as we all finished it was worth more then a pat on the back or heartless congratulating words
but some how my tally kept rising up after being let down time and time again
i started marking my failures on the paper and using my weapon which is this pen
i put it to the pad and the ink just starts to flow
no hesitation no thought at all sit back and let it go
the angry marks i write on the page of my unscripted thoughts it begins to sink in
became an antagonizing itch thats pressed way beneath the skin
to deep for me to get to and to close to the heart to just ignore
i guess my itch is for a man and i was steady longing for a cure
settling for anyone who acted like they saw "me" no hesitation at all
being the girl who i am i always took the fall
always hit the ground and cried a little and got back up again
this damn life is so routine and played out its like i know when the next time will begin
even before it happens or even before i meet "him"
but settling for less has got me less and im not going that route again
the little girl i once was is almost to far gone to see
i sit back and look and i dont even remember her dreams
her aspirations or her goals her life is so off track
but my new sense of purpose ive realized and shes slowely coming back
like that sense of pureness that lingers on my lips
like a long time passed or an old forgotten kiss
i can taste it.. my being that is my sense of self worth
i grab that child i lost within myself and pull her through the dirt
thats tangled inside my body of the words and hurt left unspoken and unsaid
i dust her shoulders off and apologize time and time again
its like im fighting with my sanity to keep my dreams alive
so tired of being pulled beneath my worth that i can do nothing but rise
im coming to this woman i am unchanged unchained focused at ease with my mind and body and willing to give my all
for a life worth living and a man worth loving and the lost girl who grew wings in troubled times and now refuses to smiply fall