lost.little.girl

3am is closing in and i havent slept a wink
been awake sense yesterday morning to tired to fall asleep
thoughts are pacing my heart is racing and my visions gettin blured
im screaming from this pit of insecurities but have yet to be heard
the silence screams the truth so loud and i cannot drown it out
so i put my ipod on its deck and turn it up way beyond loud
for im so damn tired of being this person who wears my heart on my sleeve
but i cannot change it i refuse to try because then i wouldnt simply be... me
the one you can run to in your time of need, for a friend for a shoulder for love whatever it may be
ill give you all i have to give then give a little more
they say nice people finish last when the FUCK did i start keeping score
for in my life it never mattered who finished last or who came first
as long as we all finished it was worth more then a pat on the back or heartless congratulating words
but some how my tally kept rising up after being let down time and time again
i started marking my failures on the paper and using my weapon which is this pen
i put it to the pad and the ink just starts to flow
no hesitation no thought at all sit back and let it go
the angry marks i write on the page of my unscripted thoughts it begins to sink in
became an antagonizing itch thats pressed way beneath the skin
to deep for me to get to and to close to the heart to just ignore
i guess my itch is for a man and i was steady longing for a cure
settling for anyone who acted like they saw "me" no hesitation at all
being the girl who i am i always took the fall
always hit the ground and cried a little and got back up again
this damn life is so routine and played out its like i know when the next time will begin
even before it happens or even before i meet "him"
but settling for less has got me less and im not going that route again
the little girl i once was is almost to far gone to see
i sit back and look and i dont even remember her dreams
her aspirations or her goals her life is so off track
but my new sense of purpose ive realized and shes slowely coming back
like that sense of pureness that lingers on my lips
like a long time passed or an old forgotten kiss
i can taste it.. my being that is my sense of self worth
i grab that child i lost within myself and pull her through the dirt
thats tangled inside my body of the words and hurt left unspoken and unsaid
i dust her shoulders off and apologize time and time again
its like im fighting with my sanity to keep my dreams alive
so tired of being pulled beneath my worth that i can do nothing but rise
im coming to this woman i am unchanged unchained focused at ease with my mind and body and willing to give my all
for a life worth living and a man worth loving and the lost girl who grew wings in troubled times and now refuses to smiply fall