my.racing.thoughts

got a thousand things on my mind and its heading toward a million
letting go of my past but longing for a new begining
my nights get lonely and i long for a touch of love
not just any man but from a true man just ONE
i feel like trey songs as i begin to break out siging with the song in my head
our bed, our sheets, our pillows, get lonely, on your side of the bed
wake up every morning and the right side of the bed is always neat
wish it was a task to make through the day, knowing prior to i rolled over into his heat
placed my hand on his chest in the middle of the night sliding it down further
knowing what its about to start, and loving it... so i pull him in closer
im a true woman though, so i say these words knowing they hold true meaning
for when i say i want this man, i know i have yet to meet him
but when i do i know that i will have alot of love to share
from making love to building home, and just being present there
.... in his precence and him in mine sharing a life and a loving home
these are the things i see in my future,the reason i wrote this poem
to tell him... wherever he is, and whoever he may be,
that i wish you were here and i hope that wherever you are youre thinking of me.

.quote.of.the.day.

Love is an Investment that u must Grow into... Not an Investment that u Buy into...

.betty.wright. .no.pain.no.gain.

my anthem... everyday. no pain..... no gain...

.the.best.movie.EVER.

this movie man this movie. nothing, no film could ever amount to THIS MOVIE!

.roxette.

.quote.of.the.day.

♪"Octavio Paz once wrote; Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone

.i.am.ready.for.love.

i am ready...... this song takes every word from my inner being that cant seem to come together and sets it to music.

.quote.of.the.day.

"What A frightening thing is the human, a mass of gages, and dials, and registers, but we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately." -- John Steinbeck

.a.a.a.

all.about.anna

im a bit complicated. i guess thats kind of like a defense mechanism because once you get to know me, you will learn im quit simple. lets talk about little things about me first. i hate seafood. i cant stand the taste the smell or the texture. the thought alone makes me gag. lol. im clumsy. i swear everything i own breaks. even if its built like the titanic. ill be the iceburg that hits it. i get random bruises and dont realize them for days. then i have no explaination to where they might have come from. i tend to procrastinate a lot, but i will always get the job done. im hard working and focused. in the last year alone i have grown so much. i have rided myself of people i thought were going to be in my life forever. a few actually. it hurt a whole lot but after sitting on a stairwell in the middle of the night at a resort in florida crying my eyes out, i came to the conclusion that the pain will subside... and it did. the scar is there yes but the lesson was taking strongly. i dont need anyone in my life who doesnt need me in theres. i have to admit on that note though. i hold on to people tightly. i want to live and know that i made a difference in atleast one persons life. so i tend to try to make you see it instead of you taking the time to see it on your own. i guess i should apologize for that a head of time. lets just jump into the more intimate stuff because well, that is the purpose for this blog. so you can know me. well the parts of me that i publish. if i get close to you i will in some ways try to push you away. just to see if you are willing enough to not let it happen. i know it sounds bad but thats how i am. no matter how i try to change it. im looooud! extremely loud, no matter what im doing. walking , talking, chillin, making love. i blame it on being italian. my excuse is "im italian, my voice carries". i yell at my son, id rather do that though because i do not want to put my hands on him. so thats how i get my point across. i am really sensitive. i fall fast and my heart is really big. im the type who will randomly kiss you all the time. rub your head while your laying on my lap. ask you if you want a massage more then youd expect. i love to touch though. its my favorite. im very affectionate. i have my insecurites i am a female and im human. i want a love that makes it hard to sleep because my reality is so much better than my dreams. i mean im not naive enough to think that love is going to be like that all the time, but id go through a lot of pain for a few moments of happiness because its worth it. im the type that will give you the shirt off my back in the middle of a snow storm. if i tell you i care for you i will prove it. sometimes i come on really strong and its because i dont want to lose you. my life isnt perfect. im not in the spot i want to be but there is nothing but future and progression for me. i refuse to go backwords. i want someone by my side that understands that we dont just go through life we "grow" through life. being the softy that i am i long for someone to grow with. someone that knows that life will be rocky but the sturdy foundation that will be set in stone wont alter. an unaltering love. to get anywhere you have to start from somewhere. i believe in love. my screwed up past will never change that. i know that someone will see the potential in me. someone will see past my flaws and accept me for the complicated. sincere. crazy. loving. jealous. life loving. mother. daughter. sister. friend. and true companion i am. someone, someday will see past my rough exterior and know that behind all of my madness im completely simple. i will never ask for diamonds or pearls or gucci bags. im not that type. just give me my man, my son, my family and friends and you will have the happiest girl in the world.


"I'm stubborn, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I'm hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

.quote.of.the.day.

"At this moment, there are 6 billion, 4 hundred, 71 million, 8 hundred, 18 thousand, 6 hundred, 71 people in the world. Some are running scared.. some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day.. others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good.. struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls -- and sometimes.. all you need is 1."

.video.and.song.of.the.week. window.seat erykah.badu

YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO.

i definitely have to give a #shoutout to @fatbellybella BKA Ms. Erykah Badu herself. this video is a.m.a.z.i.n.g. the true defintion of an artist and shes bringing back REAL music. she is part of whats missing in music. can not wait for the album release in TWO days. going to hop on itunes now and pre-order. watch the video. its worth it. =0)


group think

they play it safe...are quick to assassinate what they do not understand...they move in packs..injusting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another...they feel most comfortable in groups...less guilt to swallow...they are us...this is what we have become...afraid to respect the individual...a single person with inner circumstance can move one to change...to love herself..... TO EVOLVE

.this.quote.describes.me.

You know I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpriting the hell out of everything. Um, then theres the music people. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I dont know, somtimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since Im not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics. -Peyton, One Tree Hill

3.14.2008

Im sittin in a dark room and my thoughts are racin... again
I wish you were here and I question where youve been....
I feel like Im going crazy and noone can help me....
Then my mind flashes back and this is what I see...

The day you passed away.. I didnt grasp it at all..
I got the call my from Tae.. I remember I just wanted to fall..
Out in pain and tears.. I couldnt catch my breath and I still cant face my fears
My fears, that your gone and that this is really real, I dont believe it though as Im sittin here in tears..

I feel like I can pick up the phone and call you, though I havent tried,
Like in my heart I know your gone but in my mind I dont belive it so I tell myself I have no reason to cry
Im thinkin of you all day, everyday and I wish you were here so bad,
To watch Dai grow up, even when hes bad, it kills my inside when he asks about his dad

The dad the doesnt phone and the dad that doesnt call
Not because you dont want to be here, thats not it at all,
This little man that looks just like you, is never going to get to meet
The man who fathered him and the man who swept me off my feet..

I miss you so much Juany and I wish I could let you know,
That Im sorry for the pain we went through and that you alone helped me grow,
Into the mother that I am today and the woman Ive become,
Alls we have left are memories and your two beautiful sons..

My tears are never ending and neither is my pain,
I try to force a smile on my face day to day and maintain,
This positive attitude like you had, That made you who you were today,
That "Flawless Vic" perspective that made everything wrong,..... "OK"

You had this unspoken strength and you always stood so proud,
Even in trials and tribulations, fears, broken hearts, sickness, and doubts,
Noone could puncture that surface no matter how hard he or she tried,
You always stood with your chin and middle finger up, bound to touch the sky..

As you are now, touching the sky and watching us all from above,
The say we arent ment to keep Angles, were just supposed to feel there love,
Angles are there to protect us when the worse just cant get any worse,
Angles wrap there arms around you and protect you from the worst....

Even though I dont believe your gone and if this letter is all I get,
I just want to say I love you Juandel and noone will ever forget,
The person that you were and who your children will one day be,
With you as there father, they are bound to succeed..

Bound to fight all expectations, of those who want them to fail,
They will rise above like there father and they alone will prevail,
All the obsticals that the world sets up "In The Event Of There Demise",
Juandel and Dai'Jon will live in your memory and like there father they'll together "Touch The Sky"

.quote.of.the.day.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves -- or lose the ventures before us." -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

.invictus.

"Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeoninga of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror of the shade, and yet the menace of the years finds, shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."

this poem holds a lot of meaning to me. it describes my frame of mind. i have been caught in the rapids many of times but I refuse to be pulled under the water without a fight. no! i am not saying i dont go under though. sometimes the pull is just too strong, or from time to time maybe im just too weak, or drawn into the whirlwind of temptation. it is my choice and in my will power to swim to shore no matter how tough the current. beat and battered may be what it takes to come out of the high tides.... damaged... yes! but lessons will be tucked under my belt. take shots if you must. poke and point and speak about how you would swim in my lane but with a different technique but all that matters is how i do it. i think you should try to stay afloat though, before giving me advice on how my tendencies to fall short of my potential make obstacles that may not have came about if i swam at a different pace. for every obstacle that arises wether i put myself into it or it has just been thrown in my direction. i will overcome it and take the lesson i learned as it is. i cant be sour and i cant be salty. i can only say that i have tried the best of my abilities. so when im sipping margaritas chilling in the sand when all is said and done. im going to see you still doggy paddling in the water and shout "maybe you should have been worried about your own current as it was served then always telling me what i can do to be better in my rough rapids.”

.the.song.remembers.when.

I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul
It was like a dam had broken in my heart

After taking ev'ry detour
Gettin' lost and losin' track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After drivin' out the mem'ry
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when

We were rolling through the Rockies
We were up above the clouds
When a station out of Jackson played that song
And it seemed to fit the moment
And the moment seemed to freeze
When we turned the music up and sang along

And there was a God in Heaven
And the world made perfect sense
We were young and were in love
And we were easy to convince
We were headed straight for Eden
It was just around the bend
And though I have forgotten all about it
The song remembers when

(Bridge:)
I guess somethin' must have happened
And we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
Though I can't recall just why
The song remembers when

Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far
And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtrackin'
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

.beauty.of.the.blind.

I was on the bus this morning running late for work and frantic in quit a hurry. Dai and I sat in the very front seat and across the aisle from us I noticed a blind man that would look over an smile occasionally at dai and I. Dai kept sittin on the wall behind the driver seat ad slidin down and I kept tellin him stop and to not do it. Then he was askin questions like "mom where is everybody goin" I told him "well dai everybody here has a place to go some are goin to school some to work and some are just goin other places." after tellin him he better get down or that cop he just pointed out is goin to be mad at him for not sittin on his butt. The blind man looks over to me and says "you know you and your son remind me of something I wrote as a child. Instead of doin chores my grandma would have me write and I wrote to her. "we need to plant seeds in our children's heads that are positive and that can blossom. A childs mind is fertal and it doesn't have weed killer. Just as the positive things we teach our children blossom so do the negative things. That's why we keep our children around positive people so there minds blossom that way." I smiled and told him thank you for sharing that with me and I told him that it was sweet. He then again looked over at me and said "its good to see the innocence of a child. Though I really can't see him" I have no idea why that story made me think but that man was truely amazing to me and his words spoke a lot of truth. So now I'm actually really calm and a lot less stressed and I thought I'd share. So let's keep planting these positive seeds in our children because as it was said before "we are all meant to shine as children do"

May 17th 2009

worth.more.then.gold

"Worth more then GOLD"

Leaping into to this pit....That forever screamed my name....It was a gorgeous and shining bright....It would put the stars to shame....A baritone all in my ear thats whispering sweet escapes....After of years of searching and yearning....My gold is finally here for the taking....Bandaged fingers from digging and thorns....That always punctured the skin....I didnt know I was cut so deep until I realized I let them in....Opening my heart to push this gold deep. Hold it there forever and cherish its sweeet....ness...I cherished this gold and I polished it so. Gave shelter and tenderness I'd never let it go....Loved it day in and day out and gave it all of me....Until I realized it longed for its past place of being....So I bottled up my love for it and pushed it to the side....Let it go with open arms not wanting to shatter my pride....I wiped away the tears as I placed it back where I found it in shade beneath the trees.... Turned from it closed my eyes and cried waiting for it to call me.... The calling never came and all the prayers had failed.... I realized that the gold I loved belonged to someone else.... I hear foot steps behind me and hide in the brush.... I see a dark beautiful figure suddenly pick it up....Embrace it with a past love and smiles "he" was finally home.... I sat under a star filled sky and felt all alone.... I hear this voice in my head that echoed from my past.... Hearing these words I rose up and put my tears to rest......"Everything thats sweet isnt good for you and everything that glitters aint gold"....At that point I realized it broke my heart but it didnt damage my soul....That I would love again and give it all my heart....I wouldnt search for gold this time but a real MAN with flaws and pain that respects art....Respects a WOMAN with a longing for love and a true down home demeanor....That knows the real prize it worth more than "GOLD" and knows when HE has found HER....

lost.little.girl

3am is closing in and i havent slept a wink
been awake sense yesterday morning to tired to fall asleep
thoughts are pacing my heart is racing and my visions gettin blured
im screaming from this pit of insecurities but have yet to be heard
the silence screams the truth so loud and i cannot drown it out
so i put my ipod on its deck and turn it up way beyond loud
for im so damn tired of being this person who wears my heart on my sleeve
but i cannot change it i refuse to try because then i wouldnt simply be... me
the one you can run to in your time of need, for a friend for a shoulder for love whatever it may be
ill give you all i have to give then give a little more
they say nice people finish last when the FUCK did i start keeping score
for in my life it never mattered who finished last or who came first
as long as we all finished it was worth more then a pat on the back or heartless congratulating words
but some how my tally kept rising up after being let down time and time again
i started marking my failures on the paper and using my weapon which is this pen
i put it to the pad and the ink just starts to flow
no hesitation no thought at all sit back and let it go
the angry marks i write on the page of my unscripted thoughts it begins to sink in
became an antagonizing itch thats pressed way beneath the skin
to deep for me to get to and to close to the heart to just ignore
i guess my itch is for a man and i was steady longing for a cure
settling for anyone who acted like they saw "me" no hesitation at all
being the girl who i am i always took the fall
always hit the ground and cried a little and got back up again
this damn life is so routine and played out its like i know when the next time will begin
even before it happens or even before i meet "him"
but settling for less has got me less and im not going that route again
the little girl i once was is almost to far gone to see
i sit back and look and i dont even remember her dreams
her aspirations or her goals her life is so off track
but my new sense of purpose ive realized and shes slowely coming back
like that sense of pureness that lingers on my lips
like a long time passed or an old forgotten kiss
i can taste it.. my being that is my sense of self worth
i grab that child i lost within myself and pull her through the dirt
thats tangled inside my body of the words and hurt left unspoken and unsaid
i dust her shoulders off and apologize time and time again
its like im fighting with my sanity to keep my dreams alive
so tired of being pulled beneath my worth that i can do nothing but rise
im coming to this woman i am unchanged unchained focused at ease with my mind and body and willing to give my all
for a life worth living and a man worth loving and the lost girl who grew wings in troubled times and now refuses to smiply fall